parse this...

As part of my highly nebulous Administrative Assistant career, I open and sort the mail. While you are unlikely to believe that this is the most exciting part of my day [it's not. and it usually takes up a large amount of time which i would prefer to devote to more impressive tasks], occasionally I do pull something interesting out of an envelope. Today I found something so fantastically bad that it was spared the all-powerful-shredder.

With the economic downturn, many businesses are having to work a little harder than usual to get clients. As a result, small businesses are apparently turning to the "old fashioned write 'em a letter" trick. Some people even employ Graphic Artists to mail out their resume to every address that shows up in a generic google like "property management." Unfortunately, the following company did not employ a starving Graphic Artist or starving English Major, as evidenced by sentences like this: With well over twenty years of experience in flat and low pitch roof application and repair you can be assured of an educated evaluation and the most logical recommendation for repairs and mainenance that can assist in an extended roof life.

I am currently having flashbacks of editing due-in-one-hour-and-i-still-need-300-words freshman papers. [man, i was a great ra]

Of course, I can see the good intentions behind statements like: When we see a roof in older condition we are excited to see how long we can keep this roof going. He probably knows his roofs and works hard.

But parsing this stuff is not for the faint of heart/mind. I give you the penultimate masterpiece: Most commercial roof systems appear to look the same all over and it is sometimes hard for the untrained eye to pick up on even a simple problem, that is why you need me to personally walk the roof deck and view the condition and the problems that are apparent and to discover the hidden problems not so easily seen.

From the top of the page, with the unnecessarily quoted motto "Our Company is Insured" to the final sentence - If your contract says ________________ then that's whose doing your job - this ad is a mess. If I needed a commercial roof, it might be worth a pity hire.

So thanks, College, for forgiving our pitiful freshman [and let's be honest, senior] attempts with the Thesauraus and Word Count. Thanks for instilling in us the ways of proper word usage and The Elements of Style. We can't roof buildings, but we could sure write about them with flair.