faith my eyes...

Yesterday I ate indian food, sat in a real coffee shop, hung out with cool people, bought communist sweat shop shoes at the urban outfitters sale, and cried.

as i survey the ground for ants
looking for a place to sit and read
i'm reminded of the streets of my hometown
how they're much like this concrete
that's warm [cold] beneath my feet

Talitha let our Bible study in on her Hillsdale survival secret: Ann Arbor is only an hour and a half away. If I'm never in Hillsdale another Saturday, you'll know where to find me.

We ate amazing food at Raja Rani, [where the 'student discount' was suspiciously like a 'bunch of hot girls discount' but i'm not complaining] a cool Indian buffet in [where else] an old house. After parking in the Maynard Street parking garage [fate] we camped out at Espresso Royale Caffe, the perfect blend of hip wireless internet, comfy couches, grungy college students, and old-brick-warehouse-turned-coffee-bar.

Sometimes it's necessary to leave a place in order to realize how much it changes you. It took me a couple of hours sitting on a comfy purple couch to even feel the tension in my neck. It's nothing like last semester, but there nevertheless. If I was really smart I'd attempt to fight for some sort of student rate from the chiropracter here in Hillsdale, but for now, I think I'll stick with begging my friends for a massage every once in a while.

and how i'm all wrapped up in my mother's face
with a touch of my father, just up around the eyes
and the sound of my [sister's] laugh
but more wrapped up in what binds our ever distant lives

Hillsdale deadens my creativity. I was mad that I left my journal in my room, because Espresso Royale gave me the urge to write. I think things and have something to say outside of this zip code. I can already feel the inspiration draining away; even this blog post is becoming difficult.

I'm such a open book. I am no longer adverse to crying in public places. Especially airports or coffee shops that remind me so much of home. I swear, some of the people walked in the doors straight from the pacific northwest. I missed my family and Portland so much. Strange to finally be able to breathe again, only to have that breath caught in your throat or sunk in the pit of your stomach [dramatic, romantic, excessive].

hometown weather is on tv
i imagine the lives of people living there
and i'm curious if they imagine me
cause they just want to leave; i wish that i could stay

It seems so selfish to want to go. I will go crazy missing these people, but I want that sense of 'place' as well as the people. How important is that? Wanting to leave and wanting to stay. Obviously, all I really need is Jesus. But I still get to make decisions. Life is all about balance and change.

but i get turned around
i mistake some happiness for blessing
but i'm as blessed as the poor
still i judge success by how i'm dressing

I've had some good coversations with friends this weekend about change. We all agreed that our dislike of change comes from the need to control. Change is okay. Change is good. It happens, it's natural, it's what we are created to do. It's your power to responsibly use [thanks spiderman]. It's good to grow closer to other people than you first knew, to expand your horizon, to deepen those first friendships and sometimes, it's good to leave things behind.

but if i must go
things i trust will be better off without me
but i don't want to know
life is better off a mystery

It started snowing again, a refreshing change from my homesick grey days. Yes, it's colder, but the snow is so beautiful. Drifting down, covering up bare fields, spreading a little magic on an asthetically empty landscape. I like this snow. It's peaceful, with a hint of adventure as you're walking up the hill. It's Christmas morning all over again: I get up and run to the window to see how deep the possibilities are for today.

so keep 'em coming, these lines on this road
and keep me responsible, be it a light or heavy load
and keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
and i'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes

If I stay, I'll have a cool opportunity to continue being an RA with the most awesome people on campus. If I go, I'll have the knowledge that God has proved Himself faithful in my time here and will continue wherever He takes me.
But, if it's two more years in Hillsdale, I'll live most of them in Ann Arbor.

so i'll sing a song of my hometown
i'll breath the air and walk the streets
maybe find a place to sit and read
and the ants are welcome company