resume tips from the unemployed...

Since none of your well-intentioned resume tips seem to be helping, I'm at another temporary receptionist position for a couple of weeks. [unlike pam, i seem to dream of being a receptionist]

At this new job, I happen to be by the e-mail account receiving responses to two craigslist posts about jobs in another state. As I spent hours forwarding them on to the appropriate people, I have developed a few tips of my own. I claim no "definitely get job offers thrown at you in minutes!" secrets, but I am a pretty good at seeing faults. Here's my far from comprehensive list for your enjoyment/improvement.

THINGS YOU SHOULD DO IF YOU WANT YOUR RESUME DELETED:
-Send multiple e-mails with little bits of information added each time [examples: sentence fragments, your phone number, or "than you for considering myresume"]
-Have a 14-year-old email like "cutesybuttons_89@hotmail"
-Attach your cover letter and just put "cover letter attached, thanks" in the actual body of the e-mail instead of copy/pasting it
-Start every sentence with the word 'I'
-Talk about how you need this job so that you can relocate away from your horrible in-laws
-Make really illogical leaps, like "The fact that I used to be a Starbucks Barista and now work at a Server at Applebee's proves that I am a 'rising star' employee"
-Have cliche pseudo-religious "God is always ready to give us second chances" signatures at the end of your email
-Title your cover letter "generic cover letter," so the company knows they're special
-Mention your cat
-Put "craigslist post" in the subject line, and no information about the actual position you're applying for [the post id is equally as useless]
-Always only use run on sentences so that you can include lots of pointless information about your cat, ex husbands, etc for the company to use when they are trying to decide who to interview and eventually who to hire for the position that you didn't specify
-Misspell lots of words
-Copy/paste your cover letter so it loses formatting and all punctuation, and don't fix it
-Include a automatic return receipt request
-Hire someone who doesn't speak English to write your cover letter
-Mention that your ex husband ran a construction company, so you're qualified to run one
-Use smiley faces
-Be named Foxy Brown [i'm sorry your mother named you that, but you will never get hired any place where you might be given a business card. discrimination exists. deal with it]
-Write your cover letter in your native language, then translate it using google
-Use the word "unique" about yourself, your personality, your job skills, and your work ethic
-Misspell the job you're applying for
-Add a line like "And yes, I am old enough to know how to work a typewriter, ha ha"
-Use a formal cover letter template, then have your name written in pink scripty type
-Put any random line in your cover letter in ALL CAPS [preferably something like I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU ABOUT THIS POSITION, so the potential employer can tell you are excited]
-Provide a link to your myspace page

to be continued...