just keep swimming, swimming...

If you had happened to be at the corner of SE 11th and Stark this morning at about 6:50am, you would have perhaps noticed a strange sight. You may have found it necessary to look twice to insure that your lovely hot Starbucks white chocolate mocha had, in fact, kicked in, and you were, in fact, seeing straight. It was indeed a strange sight: a drowned rat furiously riding a bicycle.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to tell you that I am that drowned rat.

The most amazing fact is that, despite my experiences, I remain a strong proponent of cycle-commuting. [okay. i'll be honest. if i didn't have Jesus and a sense of humor, i would definitely be crying right now. mom?]

As a season rider, I would like to present to you several gems of advice. Read, learn, and do not repeat the mistakes of others, young Jedi.

1. If you have to be at work by 6:55am to open [because everyone else office is on vacation or has a dentist appointment] and have a 20 minute commute, do not wake up at 6:18. [having slept through two, not one, alarms] This is a crucial mistake by the cycle-commuter, who was up til 11:30pm solo-cleaning the entire first floor of the house to prepare for the massive ant massacre occurring today. ['i miss my family. i have a thousand things to do, and no one to order around...'] I can guarentee you that you will not have time to complete final house preperations, feed the cat and dog, lock the dog upstairs, and follow a normal morning routine of cleanliness, cuteness, and breakfastness. [i. want. my. toothbrush.]

1a. Half a slice of cold pizza is not enough nutrition to get you through a 3.5 mile bike ride in the insane downpour and all the way through lunch. [which happens to be the rest of the cold pizza. joy] Half a stale costco muffin scrounged when you get to work doesn't add much either.

2. Know that you can't trust the previous days sunrays or the weatherman. [see 1. when you wake up this late, you have missed your opportunity to find a nice cheerful ride from a friend or neighbor. nor do you have time to learn how to hotwire a car] If you find yourself riding through a rainshower that would make Sunday night's tornado proud, consider it a chance to prove your loyalty to the environment and protest evil age-discrimination fees by insurance companies. Suck it up. You're from Portland.

3. Ignore the smirks from your non-rainsoaked coworkers. And don't forget to wash the mud splatters off your face and neck once you get to work. Look carefully. Somehow, it goes everywhere. [stupid bus. those bumperstickers should read '214 cars and 1 adorable cycle-commuter are at home because i've run them off the road']

4. Windbreaker pants are not enough to keep the rain from soaking through your jeans. Expecially in the seat area of your person. Unfortunantly, I have yet to discover proper preventative measures. [a conveniently placed hoodie tied around your waist does disguise the look, thought not the discomfort of working all day in soaked-through jeans]

5. Don't forget to take your contacts out before you go to bed. If you fail this task, you may wake up at 3:30am and wonder why everything light in the world is red. Yes. I have a nightlight. [scared the heck out of me. and considering i only had them out for three hours, i think i can explain this headache...]

6. A good cuppa coffee will do wonders. Or so I've been told. [not that i would know from personal experience...]

in conclusion, my motto for today is:
ride hard. and don't look back.

[edit. 12:40pm] 7. The rest of the pizza? Yeah. Tomato sauce. on my shirt. at lunch. Bad. But hey, things are looking up: my jeans are finally starting to dry. [my office is so cold, i was afraid that they would ice up earlier...]

just when you thought things couldn't get worse...
[edit. 1:14pm] Um. I just popped my elbow out of the socket. [mom?!] I think I got it back in, though. wow. ouch, this hurts. ["hi, uh, i've been turned into a cow. can i go home?" "ugh! yes, i suppose. anyone else?" "no, we're good."]