restless tonight...

Don't you hate when your little vices appear more frequently?

so let go, let go
jump in
what you waiting for?
it's all right
cause there's beauty
in the breakdown

We had company last night. Which, though it's lovely, sometimes it becomes more than my foolish, wandering heart can handle. The emotions were also combined with a week's worth of grade-A cabin fever and restlessness.

I had to get out... I needed to talk to Jesus, breath the fresh air, use some energy, and think. And I think best when I'm outside and moving.

Walking down a lonely country road, looking at the stars, the poetic genius abounds. [well, at least, i get really sappy] Just me, the cella, and some Vertical Horizon for cathartic comfort.

The pounding music in my ears lessens the aches, surprisingly. The stars are beautiful tonight, like always. It's disturbing how often I need to be reminded how huge this world is, and how small my insecurities really are. I love breathing the fresh outside air.

It's cold, so I walk faster. If I turned my imagination on, I could become frightened of the [scary] trees that line the road. But no, I decide resolutely, there will be no imagination tonight. Just a refreshment of the vision that I so desperately seek. I suddenly wish that I had brought my favorite worship cd instead. Vertical Horizon gets turned off. Now all I can hear are the sound of my footsteps and the swish of my courderoy pants. [okay, and some dogs barking]

Some of the houses have lights on, but most are dark. One is lit by the erie blue flashes of a television set. How could anybody want to waste a beautiful night like this? I smile at the shadowy outlines of three wire reindeer, unlit, yet still faithfully guarding the house in the middle of February.

This road is my secret. As I get closer to 'the line,' I walk even faster. I'm anxious to get there. Faster, faster, one sign, two signs... there. I passed the mark. I'm standing on the opposite side of 'Hillsdale City Limit.' Now I can breathe freely. I laugh outloud at my own sillyness. I stand there for several minutes, just enjoying the freedom of my own little world, where a roadsign makes all the difference.

Soon however, my frozen extremities remind me that there is time to enter back into reality. I'm standing on the edge of the rest of my life. How appropriate that the road is shattered by a large crack, running the whole width, right at the city limits sign. I take a deep breath and cross the line.

The walk back is a blur. I'm suddenly anxious to return. [which might have something to do with my very frozen nose] Though the circumstances haven't changed at all, my attitude has.

there's more coming...

Thank you, Jesus, for constantly shaping my heart.
I want to desire You more every day.