check to the list...

It's been a busy week. They tell me I have been brave, but I don't feel brave. I feel like I want to curl up under my down comforter and cry for about a week. It's good though. I know I am in exactly the right place. That's what bravery is really about, I think. It's been a lot of change for one week, though.

In order by days of the week, here are a few of the things which happened:

-broke my french press coffee maker. cut my hand, too. will i break out the old disgusting drip method? or will this be a hot chocolate year? will i scorn hot beverages despite the already below freezing day temperatures? stay tuned. reguardless, i think i need to go buy some whipped cream.

-i made the call. and took a large step towards a possibility. it has been growing in my heart for a while, but various conversations brought about action. finally. "God cannot direct your steps if you're not moving, Meem." i made several calls, actually. isn't it nice to know that there's always a space for you at home, no matter how small? [reminds me of 'horton hears a who.' 'a person's a person, no matter how small...'] application was mailed wednesday. transcripts were mailed on friday. it's out of my hands now. i just want a clear path. my heart is in Portland; it's time to reunite it with the rest of me. two years is a good time of learning, but a long time to be without your whole heart.

-spent lots of time with my little e. i need to have more early mornings with her.

-took a nap outside in the grass, wrapped in a fleece blanket. i could feel the sunshine and the wind through it, but it was the perfect temperature. hannah read the fairy queen outloud and lulled amy and i to sleep.

-i cut my bangs short again. and the rest of friday evening was great. see previous post for many antics.

-trin cut my hair shorter and turned it into a gorgeous auburn [though the emphasis is on the brown rather than the burn. and it'll fade by thanksgiving]. during the course of the beautification, so many of my decisions were affirmed and encouraged. kindred spirits are amazing. and i'll bring her back with me to portland someday, so she can fall in love.

-made a mutual important status decision. but very much not in the way i expected. it's a lot harder to be bitter this way, which is a good thing. mutual sadness, but no hard feelings. it's nice to have things settled, but it will take a lot of adjustment and growth on my part. then again, isn't that suppose to be the point of everything we do? crying yes, regrets no. hoorah for great friends. it's nice to have another one of those. it will be strange and most people probably won't understand. i'm even unsure on how this will work. i want it back more than ever, but at a later time. it's good, very good.

Sometimes people are brave naturally. Sometimes they're forced into situations where bravery is required. I'm not sure which kind of person I am...

But I know what I want to be.