at least i know...part I

I've had an idea in my head for almost a week now. I was having a discussion [whining] with someone [big d 1 and 2] last week and it really made me think. People don't realize that sometimes the most innocent of questions on the surface, 'so, how's school going for you?' is one of the most dangerous that you could possibly ask. [because i occasionally don't give the 'fine and a smile answer'] I mean, I don't tell [pour out my soul] just anyone usually, but something made me tell the truth to the D's.

I'm not doing well at school. It's like I'm a completely different person here than at home. I'm all details inside and I haven't felt like I've really accomplished anything at school. I have learned much, yes, but there are no comforting visible results. It feels like I'm constantly wasting time, but I know in my head that it isn't. [i think] I'm so frustrated with inconsistant surface relationships with people and a lack of accomplishment. College is an incredibly self-centered place. You choose the classes so you can learn or so you can get a good job someday. Everything is about you. And frankly, that doesn't sound like the [real] life for which college is suppose to prepare you. [i was thinking last night while folding clothes that much of my life is going to be spent sleeping, and doing laundry and dishes. yikes.]

After I expressed some of these concerns, [whining] Big D 1 said something that really made me think. I've been kicking it around in the blank spaces of my thought all week. He said that I need to make sure I really am all the way here in Hillsdale before I decide to leave. [yes, the thought has been thought, and even brought up to The Mom.] I'm definitely [grudgingly, on some days] coming back next semester, but next year is really up in the air. Perhaps one of the reasons I don't feel connected or real here is that I'm actually not here. He challenged me to live not just on the edges of h-life, but be here all the way: body, heart and soul. I thought that I had done that, but I've been really examining myself and I think I've concluded that I haven't. I've been here a lot, but I'll finally admit that I haven't been all here. So practically, what does it look like to be all here? I'm not sure yet, but I have a feeling it's going to involve a lot more studying, outside projects, and going to Saga just to be social.

how much longer will this game go on?
i guess only time will tell

I've been holding on to something that is impossible to keep. Life is impossible to grasp and protect in your hands. I know in my head that things are not going to be the same when I arrive home. People will have changed; they will keep changing. But, being such a visual person, it's really hard for me to grasp something unless I see it or experience it. It's going to take me seeing Steph and Michael get married in a month for it to really hit me that I'm losing my friends. It's going to take me going home and not seeing Allison to realize that she's gone. I have an awesome new GB sticker on my laptop to prove that she's in England, but I still can't grasp the fact. It's going to take me experiencing rejection of all my film dreams [multiple times, probably] to make me realize that I'm not going to beat Shiny to that Oscar.

I have a great imagination, but no concept of reality.

and why does the past always seem safer
maybe because at least we know we made it

I hold on to the past for exactly this reason. I survived and most of the time I even more than survived. [oklahoma counts as one of the rare barely surviving times] I love the people that I've lived with for so many years. My friends, you have challenged me and made me laugh and I hope for many more years. My interns, [oh, so deserving of a special category] you will never know how much I love each of you. It is impossible to grasp the bond that we have. [the love of God is like that] You always will be my fondest memories.

Leaving all of you scares me so much. God is calling each of us to leap off into the same place, but in seperate directions. Does that make any sense? He's asking us to leap into His arms and stay there, we're each leaping off at different points on the wall. We all end up in the same place, but it's going to take most of us leaving the group and falling into an individual call. Even though I feel disconnected from you all, we're really all still doing the same things - living in His grace every day. So, we're leaving, but not really. I have to experience some loneliness and pain for me to realize that, but through that, I'm going to keep loving you and keep falling on His undescribable grace.

Like I said, I've really been challenged to dive into life at Hillsdale. And I don't think that it's an accident that right when I got that challenge, I was immediately presented with two opportunities to be all here. I somehow managed to have the sense to accept both gifts and I'm so glad I did. I am still slightly skeptical, but this past week has been ever so much better. My mood has improved enormously. I've actually found things about Hdale to really enjoy. [the fact that i'm going to be home in 10 days helps too, probably. but we'll pretend my excitement isn't all end-of-the-semester-bliss]

Describing these new distractions, however, is going to have to wait for Part II...