a year in review...

Probably the best word I could think of to describe 2004 is
.flying.

I'm not just talking about the multitude of travel time that I had this year, though there was plenty of that. I recieved and stretched my wings in so many different ways. I soared and I crash landed a couple of times. I am so happy to be finally back in my home hanger, but it was truly a wonderful experience and a wonderful year, full of God's mercy and grace.

January: The year arrived in snowstorm, extending a new year's party [snowed in at mili's with fun snow pictures. squeal] and almost preventing the escape to Georgia and the beginning of my six month internship for TeenPact. Two weeks of training and meeting/re-aquainting with The Twelve. [cranium and singing] Home and two glorious weeks in Colorado. [snowflakes and one percenters]

February: Though getting home took slightly longer than anticipated, I arrived briefly before a mostly spontaneous trip to San Diego for a debate tournament and visit with Grandma. [thrift stores are fun] Home briefly before an emotional leaving for Oklahoma.

March: Began with two not so glorious, though definitely memorable and stretching, weeks in Oklahoma.[starbucks and air-soft wars] Home for a whole eight days before back to back Washington [cherry trees and no pins] and Oregon [nw and the south] classes. Spent a day at a speech tourney and watched my sister qualify for nationals!

April: Finished up the Oregon class with a great joke and had a long break [ten whole days] at home. Flying to Georgia to see the Kates [stone mountain and matching skirts] and then a drive to Tennessee [boyscouts and elevators] with the Glasman. A memorable drive back to Georgia ['shortcuts' and narnia adventures] got us back in time to fly to Ohio [geberts and alice]

May: I learned on the last day of the event that Ohio was indeed to be my final class. Bittersweet. I flew home. But of course, not for long, as nine days later I was adventuring using saved miles to Arizona to visit the breathtakingly beautiful Michelle B. We pooled, dined, and shopped our way through the hot Phoenix sun. After five days, I was free to work like mad until the beginning of...

June: The trip of a Lifetime. The glorious madness begun... Fly to Alabama for days with Anna. Meet Steph and JohnDavid [get lost] in Georgia. Drive to South Carolina and Garrison. Drive to Virginia and surprise appearance at NCFCA Nationals to judge and support. [watched the Rainmakers sweep] Drive to Richmond and play with good friends. [hours playing 'hoopala' in starbucks and philosophy on the james] Long drive through North Carolina [bikers and hearts on the mountain roads] the best conversations [triscuits, but no cheese] and finally pizza back in Gainsville. Drive to Auburn [goodbye to johndavid for a while] and five days of pool relaxation at the Isaacson's resort-like home. [horses, a pool, cable, our own apartment, cute kids, sunshine, and kittens] Steph and Em ride with Dani, Lily,and Jenna down to D's house in Tampa-ish. Exchange Jenna for Allie. Spend the greatest girl week-long slumber party ever. [north beach diet, airboating, alligators and carb-free sunscreen] Trek to the Lake House in Marianna for a night [minnow and are we there yet] and then to Jefferson, Georgia for pre-National Convention work and Intern Debrief. Week of TeenPact National Convention. Too many goodbyes. Stuck in Atlanta for extra hours [what is art?] and a long flight home with Steph and Will. The end of an era.

July: Work and reality. A too-short visit from Rach. Unexpected drive with the family to San Diego to celebrate the life of my great grandmother. [98 and finally home] Back to work. A lot of scrapbooking. The beginning of the blog. I turned 19 and went to a Nickel Creek Show. More work.

August: The Skunk arrives from Georgia!! It was The Last Hurrah, the Trip of A Lifetime Extended Edition. Filmed The Candidates' New Groove. Work. Packing up my life into boxes. Saying goodbye. Leaving home and moving to Michigan to attend Hillsdale College.

September: School. Mostly studying. And working a little. And being at school. I think I went home with Jessica once.

October: School. Mostly studying Greek. And working. And staying in Hillsdale. Nickel Creek show at MSU. [they play better in a club in portland] I bought a cute skirt on a suitetrip to Jackson.

November: School. [i could say that something exciting happened, but it would probably be a lie] I went home with Jessica twice and bought my bridesmaid dress for Steph's wedding. I got to go to San Diego for eight glorious sunny days over Thanksgiving! And then I had to go back to school and study.

December: School. Tests. Dance. New job. Mad finals study. Christmas Ball. Finals and essays. Home with K-ris and then a glorious flight to Portland. Work. Family. Friends. Christmas. Bridesmaid party. Working my last day on New Year's Eve. Family time...

Thank you, Lord, for the blessings of a wonderful year. May I be more faithful and see more of Your beauty and grace in 2005.

when you're soaring through the air
i'll be your solid ground
take every chance you dare
i'll still be there
when you come back down

.flying.

a weekend in the middle of the week...

I can't remember what day it is. I got all messed up again, because Tuesday and Wednesday contained the "weekend" extended bachelorette party which was held in the hillish regions of lower west central Washington. [ha, figure that one out]

It included mostly laughs, a few tears [we were told we couldn't come back until there had been crying], shopping, chick flicks, pizza, and lots and lots of sparkling cider. [i'm not even going to tell you the number of bottles that we went through in 24 hours]

Probably the best moments were sitting in the hot tub [very hot] drinking sparkling cider [chilled] in the dark.

It was a good time to just relax and be old friends, share great memories a stories, and be excited about the future.

One of the funny things I did was write up a little something for Steph involving some of our memory songs [the good, the bad, and the very very cheesy].

Soon, my good friend Steph will no longer be "Cools" but she will always be my "Charming."

*This is a Safe Space.
*Ewwww! Groossss!
*This feels like one of those reality tv shows...
*MAGNUM! Oh wait, no. But almost.
*Only 4 more hours til the boarder, girls!
*Is she leaning forwards or backwards?
*Her coffee cup is bigger than her head!
*Um, where are the keys?
*Mr Bachelor v. the skeletally challenged frog
*I can't fix the tv, and I own it!
*I look like a mouse. A blue mouse.
*Who is this Michael guy you're always talking about, Steph?
*Darn, you had to go and make that spiritual. Now we can't tease you.
*I don't have a conviction about this. Quick!
*Underage driving under the influence of Mt. Dew
*Die smiling
*Pardon her driving, she's getting married.
*In case of future toilet trouble, call 1-800-...
*I have to get something to drink. Which means a McFlurry.
*Did we lose Steph again?
*Do you need a garlic press?
*I just love Mr Knightly...
*Gosh, we just scream 'Oregon Chicks'
*$15 exactly. *screaming*

Thank you, girls, for more beautiful memories.

the grades...

I made the sister open them. [i was already on the road to the extended bachelorette party. which was awesome, naturally. more later]

More evidence for my theory that if you expect the worst, you'll be excited about anything.

[there will be no comparison between me and any nameless beautiful honors students who happen to attend texas a & m, okay?]

CCA - A [duh. you could be a goldfish and get an a in the cca]
Western Heritage - B [also expected and deserved. dr. stewart gives most life forms a b. my papers were crap, but he liked me, so it balanced i guess]
Understanding Theatre - A- [thought I had maybe bluffed an a. oh well. we got an a+ on the project that mattered to me and our unimpressible prof said it was the best he'd ever seen in all the years he's taught this class]
Freshman Rhet/Great Books - B+ [gah. i had an a, and blew it on the stupid id section of the final. thanks a lot, sophocles. nah to you forever, sicko dr jordan. i got good grades on the limited amount of actual writing that we did]

and...[the most fearful grade of all]
put your hands together for...

Elementary Greek I - B. no, that is not an error. nor a sick joke. i actually got a b in greek. [considering i bombed nicely on all three big tests and didn't feel very good about the freaking hard final, i'd say a b was pretty amazing. thank you, Lord!]

Blonde and I discussed making t-shirts that fronted 'i survived greek I with dr holmes' and backed our favorite class quote 'but i say, if you don't look good naked, you shouldn't be competing in athletics!' - dr holmes. but we decided that the stupid football players would probably get the wrong idea...

This balances out to a nice round 3.3. Which means, I can improve nicely next semester [progress looks good] , while still keeping all my scholarships. So, I'm no R. Toppert [sorry, couldn't keep up the anonymity], but I'm [hopefully] not as dumb as I look...

.wink.

mildly upsetting reality...

It's so awesome to serve a God who is personally involved in our lives. I mean, it's so incomprehensible and amazing when you really attempt to ponder...

Every once in a while, I need my groove thrown off. I'm such a planner. It's a gift, but it can also be a distraction. I easily become dependent on the plans that I make. Sometimes, it requires a complete dissolve of said plans in order to remind me of The Vision.

My plans are not my own. I was faced today with several jolts to my little world. To put it Wodehouse, there were 'objectional happenings' in Emily's Monday. At first I was mildly distressed and upset [feeling sorry for myself] and then I remembered how much joy and excitement exists in complete surrender to Jesus.

I had been told that I would be working pretty much every day until I go back to school. I was informed today that, contrary to my manager's desires, a higher power had informed her that all classified 'holiday help' must forever exit on the 3rd. She could have used me, but a big corporation has no feelings. So apparently, my last day is Friday. There goes $300 that I really could have used next semester...but in its place is a[nother] opportunity to rely on God for my financial stability.

I have to admit, there is one thing I am [was] really looking forward to about going back to school. No matter how bad or spaz things got, I have [had] dance. Seriously, I love dancing. [Did I tell how I took a break in the middle of finals study and went to the studio and danced for an hour? Just me and the mirrors] I had a suspicion that this knee problem was going to hamper my dancing ability and I was right. I went to the doctor today, and apparently, including some tendon damage and muscle issues, my knee cap is misaligned. [that would be causing the grating bone sensation and constant pain. yeah] I have a bunch of therapy to do every day and dancing is pretty much out of the question. At least for a while. If the problem corrects itself through therapy, I might be able to dance again eventually. But not next semester. My expectations of such an answer didn't make it any easier to hear and I've been sad about it all day. However, I know that God is going to be faithful to provide other [better] activities for those hours every week.

As for the other disappointments, we'll just call them 'unspoken requests.' [gosh, i can't say that without thinking of mr. jack's jokes] There are several people that require much prayer. But, again, I am confident that despite our contrary efforts, God will work all things for the good of those who love Him. He is faithful to complete the good work that He began.

Looking around at our living room, still scattered with gifts, I am overwhelmed by blessings. My extended family is well [and mostly sane] and my Christmas was pretty darn good. It wasn't really about the loot at all this year. Just people and Jesus. [i feel like such an adult] The gifts keep on coming, too...a chocolate gator from Dandi arrived in the mail today. whoop!

Tomorrow I leave for the extended bachelorette party [all the chocolate and chick flicks you could ever want] with the Bride, Liz, and Heidi.

In just a week, seven of The Twelve will be together again! [The Five, we will miss you!]

how deep the Father's love for us
how vast beyond all measure
that He should give His only Son
to make a wretch His treasure

hannah observes...

According to my sister, I haven't been grouchy at all since I arrived home.

It's true. Nothing bugs me here.

Thinking about it, how could I possibly be grouchy?

I'm h.o.m.e.

I sleep 10 hours a night. At least.

I have leisurely mornings (usually i eat breakfast around lunch time, if that gives you any indication of how much i sleep) where I get to do things like clean the kitchen, make fudge, play on my computer, admire the Lego Genius creations, read large amounts of Wodehouse, ignore Greek, open Christmas cards, and hang with my favorite siblings.

In the afternoon and evening, I go to work, where even our lack of holiday business and the small amounts of co-worker drama can't disturb me. All I can think about is how happy I am to have a job and be making money in Portland.

After I get home from work, I eat leftovers from whatever delicious food my family ate for dinner, admire the Christmas tree, goof off online, sit by the fire, talk to my family, spend lots of time with my best buddy Hannah, and then work out while watching Return of the King extras.

"I lead a small life. A good life, but small."

How could I possibly complain?

I'm h.o.m.e.

merry christmas from the home and happy emelina.

away message thoughts...

If Dante was right and there are different levels of hell and different punishments, than the one of them is definitely a very slow retail store the week before Christmas.

It is perhaps one of fate's cruelest tricks when one eagerly bites into a "seedless orange" only to discover, contrary to the assurances of false advertising, a renegade seed.

*sigh* You just can't count on anything these days.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this yet, but I'm really happy to be home.

living literature...

Agustus Gloop, from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, came in to the Casual on Saturday. Complete with a doting [and blind to his size?] mother. The child could not have been more than ten, and weighed at least 200 pounds. Honestly.

Just as the similarities in size alone were noted, I realized that this boy was eating a chocolate bar and dancing [jiggling?] around saying "i found a golden ticket." Honestly.

I had to blink. A lot. The sight was utterly repulsive and frightening, yet humerous at the same time.

It made me wonder what area of fiction my small life represents.

I hope it's something Wodehouse.

the secret of life...

is nothing at all. [okay, so maybe it is something]

I have sat down and prepared to type blogposts at least twice in the past three days, but they didn't happen. I have wanted to describe my journey home and my time thusfar, but the words have not existed. Finally, I came to the conclusion that they do not exist at all. The letters just are not able to be arranged in a suitable pattern to express my sights, sounds, and feelings.

So, knowning that my brain is not creative enough to display its thoughts, I shall simply give you some facts and a highly inadequate illustration.

*I arrived home at 11 on Wednesday night.
*There was a crowd of people waiting when i arrived at the airport. [okay, so they weren't all there for me...it was a popular night for HOFCC collegebum returns. but the point is, they were there]
*Got to see a very tired looking Glasman for 5 minutes or so.
*Slept for twelve hours, ten hours, and ten hours, respectively since arriving home.
*Have worked seven hours, six.five hours, and eight hours respectively.
*Got a raise from the Cas. Without asking verbally. [though, i'll admit, telepathically] I think that they really like me and I really like making $3 an hour more than I do in Hadmissions.
*Have the celly back! [same number. e-mail me if you lost it]
*Made hummus because I miss the best girl. And cookies because I miss a couple of other people.
*Am contemplating a re-decoration of my room. [there just isn't enough lotr stuff in here, han!]
*Have watched a lot of ee rotk extras. The H and I have a party every night to enjoy pieces. I have yet to sit down and watch the entire thing at once. I have discovered an even greater attachment for D. Monaghan than I thought I could possess. [sigh. it's so depressing to realize that one is another hopeless fangirl]
*Rach has graciously offered to choose my husband for me. [whew. that's a load off my mind]
*Knee problems have gotten worse and I'm going to see about going to the doctor over break. [apparently, the now-constant pain isn't normal for most people]
*First semester pictures have been developed. [wow, my hair used to be b.l.o.n.d.e. remind me never to do that again] I will attempt to scan. There are some pretty sweet pics.
*Weather is beautiful. [not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket] I don't even mind it not being rainy. I wore a t-shirt yesterday for a while.
*Been devouring Wodehouse and have decided that the perfect man exists in a tasteful combination of Bertie and Jeeves.
*Only have three more Christmas presents to purchase. [and i know what to get]
*Thinking of a new addition to the closet in the form of a hat to match my jacket. vote? [note: it looks ever so much classier in real life. but is it worth it?]

Being at home isn't what I expected. It's ever so much more wonderful. It's like I've woken up from a four month long nightmare. There were some interesting and beautiful moments of that dream, but everything is very...dreamlike. Sorry, cliche and cheesy, but that's honestly the only description that even comes close. I can vaguely recall some aspects, but even those that I have failed to block out of my consciousness are fading. The NW is worth years of therapy, kids.

To the H-dale crowd...I wish you could know me in Portland. I am, not to be vain, a much more likable, stable, beautiful person.

What do you know, it's past my bedtime...

home.

why i smile...

[today in indy...]

I like airports.

I miss living in them nearly every weekend. [sometimes]

I like sitting here on the floor in the hall near security, watching the people watch me as they walk past, headed who knows where. Mostly, I just see their shoes. I think you can tell a lot about a person by viewing them from the knees down. Their choice of footwear, the way they walk...

Some of them ignore me as they walk past, but some smile at me or look wonderingly at the strange looking brown haired girl [me] sitting [precariously] on a ramp, because that's the only place she could find to plug in her computer. One lady even grins at me and says "they should put those outlets in more concenient places! I [smile and] nod in agreement, but secretly, I think that I like having to sit inconveniently on the floor in odd places.

As I see the feet passing in front of me, I wonder about the people. I wonder what they're thinking. I wonder where they're going. I wonder who they're leaving and who they're meeting. I wonder if they know Jesus like I do. I'm getting poetic.

I'm wondering who I'll meet on the plane, though my current vow to be a friendly chatter will probably vanish as soon as I place my bag under the seat and sit down. [well, i would have talked, but she slept most of the flight, and i slept the rest]

I can't stop smiling. I want the world to know that I'm going home for an entire month. It's only a month, though... I hear whispers in my head, but I fight off that devil with an even more deliberate smile. My cheeks hurt. I'm going to hug my family, sleep in my own bed, and spend a lot of time soaking up enough Portland atmosphere to keep me going in H-dale til May.

I was standing in the security line after K-ris dropped me off, grinning like the Cheshire cat and looking like an idiot. I couldn't stop. Knowing how silly I must look amused me even more and I had to suppress a giggle. I'm sure the man in front of me thought I was insane. It's because I'm headed home, to my beloved family and P-town for Christmas, folks!

I'm just a lonely collegegirl, wandering rather aimlessly through life, but today I have purpose. Today...I'm going home.

And so I smile.

i can't stop...

i'll be home in less than 8 hours.

no wonder i can't stop smiling.

actually, it might also be the fact that i'm going to spend the entire trip home watching EE RoTK dvds.

thanks to k-ris for the glimpse of beautiful indy! it's definitely on my list of 'cities i want to explore.' i will be back for that stroll around the circle and more discussions of God, friends, and scrapbooking.

when i get home, i want it to be 50 degrees and raining, please.

shhh, don't tell...

yes, i'm welcoming the end of my first college semester by...

[pulling an all-nighter.]

i'm packing to go home! except, i've very psychologically messed up right now [probably because it's 3:30, em...] because i'm only packing some of my stuff. not all of it. just some. which translates into meaning that i have to return to michigan. this can't be right! i pack a suitcase to go visit places. not to go to my home. you shouldn't have to visit your home!

*sigh* i keep thinking that i've finally realized how this whole 'growing up, moving along' thing goes and then something like this hits me...again. *sigh*

if you were on a desert island...

and they had three pizza stores, but they were all closed, wouldn't you be just a little miffed?

apparently, hillsdale is a desert island. and it is impossible to get pizza after 11 pm. gosh, people, this is finals week!

we had to have tacos in the library. instead of pizza. it was good, but not as good as pizza.

we'll try again next semester, seth.

before 11.

it was a ball...

in every sense of the word.

good lookin'.
good friends.
good dancin'.
good hair.
good [first first] date.
good dress.
good times.

yay for the hillsdale college christmas formal!

[thanks to k-rine for the pics and k-ris for letting me crash at olds afterwards.]

this and that...

it's officially finals week.
and i officially have a cold.

gah! why does this happen to me? [and about 800 other people on campus] what evil person started the tradition of feeling miserable on top of being miserable for finals?

English - Thursday @ 1 pm
Theatre - Friday @ 1 pm
Greek - Monday @ 10:30
History - no final, but need to finish up a couple of essays.

there's nothing like a good cold to make you feel ugly. even the thought of that ball on saturday night makes you cringe at the moment... what if you have to go with a red nose and a purse full of kleenex? yuck.

i need a whistler and some wheatgrass more than ever.
cheers.

at least i know...part II

Before I continue with a description of the newest additions to my school sanity regime, I have to recommend that you stop and read this article. It's not terribly long and definitely deserving of a few minutes of relfection. I found it in the World Magazine that was resting in my mailbox this morning and I was amazed at the way it fit perfectly into my thoughts. [though i should never be surprised at the complete orchestration of my life, i am amazed at God's organization]

The largest contribution to my pace has been my new job in Admissions. I had been pretty discouraged because I haven't been working very much, which I honestly miss. Right before Thanksgiving break, [as in, i ran up early before i left for the airport] I interviewed for the 'mindless office slave' position and it went really well. Being the eternal pessimist and already having had a 'great' interview and been turned down for a similiar position, I barely dared to hope. While in San Diego, however, I recieved an e-mail that I had gotten the job! It honestly doesn't matter that I'm being paid barely enough to keep a mouse-weasel alive... I'm working again! It feels great to be able to turn off my brain several afternoons a week and do some good old filing or mailings.

I am slightly afraid, though, that I am working myself out of a job. heh. I don't think the ladies I work for were expecting my kick-tailness at mailings... I keep running out of projects! It was almost embarassing to keep going back for more work. She gave me computer work pretty quickly too. Hopefully there will be more of that. Today, Kathy had more than enough stuffing, stamping, sealing, filing and taping [the tape despenser and i have started off what appears will be a very tumultuous relationship] to keep me busy for several hours. I love accomplishing something. To be able to recieve a project, do it well, and check it off the list is very encouraging. [yes, even filing is better than nothing] I like completion. Nice, round numbers and square corners. I feel really comfortable in the office, too. Both of my other jobs took some settling in, but not this one. I'm already being a smart mouth and cracking jokes, which is pretty surprising! So, they like me because I do all the dirty work and I get the fulfillment of a sense of completion. Everybody's happy!

Slightly less impressive, though important nonetheless, I started dancing again. It happened in the strangest way. I found out at the beginning of the semester that there was a handful Highland dancers here, [we have a pipeband too. schnap] and thought 'oh, that would be fun to start again.' But of course, I promptly forgot. We were having a rehersal for our theatre group project last Wednesday night [which was amazing this morning, btw. definitely an A project] and I had to return some of our set pieces to a closet in the dance studio. I walked in and was kinda surprised to see familiar steps and arm positions. "hey, are you girls doing Highland dancing? I danced a long time ago..." I was overcome with the desire to dance. So, I raced back to my dorm to change and managed to return for the last half of the hour. I was amazed at how much came back to me, even though it's been probably 5 or 6 years since I've taken lessons.

So, the Hillsdale Highland Dancers meet at least twice a week, I am the newest member and Hannah [the main girl] has already asked me if I'd be interested in some special coreography work for their show at the end of next semester! [high level classy work, mind you.] So, I've been working on gaining balance and flexibility. [which translates into constant soreness] The only thing that concerns me is that after dancing, my knees started really bothering me again. I'm going to have to remember to be careful, but I'm really enjoying dancing again. Afterwards, Hannah and I spent a long amount of time stretching and, of all things, discussing state politics. She had worked as an Intern in the Iowa State Senate for a semester of her Senior year in highschool and we compared state constitutions, party politics, and some of the more interesting adventures of political experience. I realized just how much I miss it... heh, "TeenPact changed my life. *snort*" I have this overwhelming desire to sing in Rotundas, sometimes. I usually settle for the stairway, but it's just not the same... I can't wait to sing with my girls [and glas] in January! [k-ris has promised to satisfy my state capitol obsession with a glimpse of indy's...yay!]

So, once again employed and dancing, Emilina is diving into the world of Hdale like never before. I even went up to Saga today, not hungry, just to visit with the girls. [okay, so maybe i did have another motive in being in a public place tonight... *cryptic smile* what can i say? i'm a truly manipulative female. occasionally, being impulsive and having friends who will campaign for you causes good things to happen. the christmas ball is saturday night.]

i'll be home for christmas...

at least i know...part I

I've had an idea in my head for almost a week now. I was having a discussion [whining] with someone [big d 1 and 2] last week and it really made me think. People don't realize that sometimes the most innocent of questions on the surface, 'so, how's school going for you?' is one of the most dangerous that you could possibly ask. [because i occasionally don't give the 'fine and a smile answer'] I mean, I don't tell [pour out my soul] just anyone usually, but something made me tell the truth to the D's.

I'm not doing well at school. It's like I'm a completely different person here than at home. I'm all details inside and I haven't felt like I've really accomplished anything at school. I have learned much, yes, but there are no comforting visible results. It feels like I'm constantly wasting time, but I know in my head that it isn't. [i think] I'm so frustrated with inconsistant surface relationships with people and a lack of accomplishment. College is an incredibly self-centered place. You choose the classes so you can learn or so you can get a good job someday. Everything is about you. And frankly, that doesn't sound like the [real] life for which college is suppose to prepare you. [i was thinking last night while folding clothes that much of my life is going to be spent sleeping, and doing laundry and dishes. yikes.]

After I expressed some of these concerns, [whining] Big D 1 said something that really made me think. I've been kicking it around in the blank spaces of my thought all week. He said that I need to make sure I really am all the way here in Hillsdale before I decide to leave. [yes, the thought has been thought, and even brought up to The Mom.] I'm definitely [grudgingly, on some days] coming back next semester, but next year is really up in the air. Perhaps one of the reasons I don't feel connected or real here is that I'm actually not here. He challenged me to live not just on the edges of h-life, but be here all the way: body, heart and soul. I thought that I had done that, but I've been really examining myself and I think I've concluded that I haven't. I've been here a lot, but I'll finally admit that I haven't been all here. So practically, what does it look like to be all here? I'm not sure yet, but I have a feeling it's going to involve a lot more studying, outside projects, and going to Saga just to be social.

how much longer will this game go on?
i guess only time will tell

I've been holding on to something that is impossible to keep. Life is impossible to grasp and protect in your hands. I know in my head that things are not going to be the same when I arrive home. People will have changed; they will keep changing. But, being such a visual person, it's really hard for me to grasp something unless I see it or experience it. It's going to take me seeing Steph and Michael get married in a month for it to really hit me that I'm losing my friends. It's going to take me going home and not seeing Allison to realize that she's gone. I have an awesome new GB sticker on my laptop to prove that she's in England, but I still can't grasp the fact. It's going to take me experiencing rejection of all my film dreams [multiple times, probably] to make me realize that I'm not going to beat Shiny to that Oscar.

I have a great imagination, but no concept of reality.

and why does the past always seem safer
maybe because at least we know we made it

I hold on to the past for exactly this reason. I survived and most of the time I even more than survived. [oklahoma counts as one of the rare barely surviving times] I love the people that I've lived with for so many years. My friends, you have challenged me and made me laugh and I hope for many more years. My interns, [oh, so deserving of a special category] you will never know how much I love each of you. It is impossible to grasp the bond that we have. [the love of God is like that] You always will be my fondest memories.

Leaving all of you scares me so much. God is calling each of us to leap off into the same place, but in seperate directions. Does that make any sense? He's asking us to leap into His arms and stay there, we're each leaping off at different points on the wall. We all end up in the same place, but it's going to take most of us leaving the group and falling into an individual call. Even though I feel disconnected from you all, we're really all still doing the same things - living in His grace every day. So, we're leaving, but not really. I have to experience some loneliness and pain for me to realize that, but through that, I'm going to keep loving you and keep falling on His undescribable grace.

Like I said, I've really been challenged to dive into life at Hillsdale. And I don't think that it's an accident that right when I got that challenge, I was immediately presented with two opportunities to be all here. I somehow managed to have the sense to accept both gifts and I'm so glad I did. I am still slightly skeptical, but this past week has been ever so much better. My mood has improved enormously. I've actually found things about Hdale to really enjoy. [the fact that i'm going to be home in 10 days helps too, probably. but we'll pretend my excitement isn't all end-of-the-semester-bliss]

Describing these new distractions, however, is going to have to wait for Part II...

exceeding expectations...

You MUST buy the new Alison.

It is amazing. It will exceed even the high expectations that one naturally has for the goddess of bluegrass and her excellent band.

excerpts from the new favorite: [old favorite]

Gravity
and the people who love me
still ask me
when are you coming
back to town
and i answer, quite frankly
when they stop building roads
and all God needs is gravity
to hold me down

Rain Please Go Away
it's tough to live the whole day through
thinking of her is all i do
she's happy now and i'm so blue
rain, she's cold like you

Crazy as Me
just don't ask me for the truth
if you choose to lie, honey
and don't try to open my door
with your skeleton key
some folks seem to think
i've only got one problem
i can't find nobody as crazy as me

Poor Old Heart
i don't know that i will ever trust again
it's the price that i must pay for all my sins
time has changed me
and left me full of doubt
and my heart may be lost
never to be found

If I Didn't Know Any Better
your heart is pulling
if i didn't know any better
it'd be falling deeper and
deeper it's true
i'd hear it calling
if i didn't know any better
and i'd be in love with you

A Living Prayer
in this world i walk alone
with no place to call my home
but there's One who holds my hand
on the rocky road through barren lands
in Your love i find release
a haven from my unbelief
take my life and let me be
a living prayer my God to Thee


*blissful sigh* and it's snowing again...

an addition...

There's a new baby blog in the family.

[actually, it's just the online version of one of my many spiral bound quotebooks.]

snow day...

Unfortunatly, because I'm in Hillsdale and not Portland, we did not have a day off school because an inch of snow fell last night. People did not go crazy and empy the grocery store. I did not sit by a fireplace and read and my mom did not make me hot chocolate. [although she did send me some in the mail! thanks, mom!]

I decided that I like actually watching the snow fall better than waking up to find that it all drifted down without my knowledge. It was, however, incredibly beautiful to find the world frosted. It was slightly disappointing to find that they cleared the streets, sidewalks, parkinglot, and any other necessary surface right away, so I walked through the Arb on the way to Theatre. And based on the lack of footprints, I can tell you that I was the first person to enjoy the beautiful snowcoverednessof the Arb. The sun was bright today and it was only on a matter of strict principle that I didn't pull out the shades. It was so nice, the cloudless blue sky and the [quickly melting] snow. *sigh*

Everyone says I'll be sick of it soon, but I kind of doubt that. I'm not really sure why...maybe I like the snow because it keeps my surroundings constantly changing, which is a comfort to my restless attention span. I've heard a little bit of whinging, most mostly praise of the snow. You can definitely tell who's from Michigan and who's from a snowless part of the country.

You won't hear this often, but I must say...Hillsdale is beautiful in the snow. Everything looks so fresh and new and exciting. I celebrated the first real snow with the traditional faceplant. [mili, do you remember when we got snowed in at your house and were running around making faceprints on everything: bushes, cars, mailboxes...ah, good times. heh, lots of laughter, spice tea, popcorn, and calander pictures!]

On the way back from Theatre, it had warmed up enough so it looked like Aslan had finally ended winter in Narnia. I had to stop and listen to the beautiful sound of the snow dropping off the branches of the trees. It is one of my new favorite noises, up there with crunching leaves.

So, happy snow day, world.

balthasar says...

sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more
men were decievers ever,
one foot in sea and one on shore,
to one thing constant never:

then sigh not so, but let them go,
and be you blithe and bonny,
converting all your sounds of woe
into 'hey nonny, nonny.'

sing no more ditties, sing no more,
of dumps so dull and heavy;
the fraud of men was ever so,
since summer first was leafy:

then sigh not so, but let them go,
and be you blithe and bonny,
converting all your sounds of woe
into 'hey nonny, nonny.'

"the world is just...different"

"Soon we'll just be a memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person will probably think it's a tribute to this city, the way it keeps changing on you, the way you can never count on it, or something. I know, because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is, I'm heartbroken. I feel as if part of me has died..."

The Shop Around the Corner? Yeah. It was called Bibo Juice. It was "a lone reed, standing tall, waving boldly in the corrupt sands of commerce."

There was no Fox Books. There was only this real world. And sometimes, no matter how hard you work, things just don't work out the way you want them to...

There will be no Acai when Emily goes home for Christmas. No jokes about crazy managers and eye rolls in the direction of that horrible ever-posessed yogurt machine. No Whistlers, Astorias, or wheatgrass. No more nutella or mad experimental Americana crepes.

Just three empty spaces in Portland; three colorful monuments to good times and good food.

[So, go ahead and call me a raging sentimentalist. I am.]

Bibo was my transition into adulthood. It was my first job and my first experience with the real world. The world of responsibility: paying taxes, knowing the alarm code, balancing the till, staying late and getting up early.

A sheltered little homeschooled girl got a controlled taste of the depravity of man and the endless searching of broken people. I learned that tatoos, piercings, a tough exterior, islam, or homosexuality do not make a person untouchable or immune to the need of God's saving grace.

I learned a lot about working with people: even if she is a jerk, she's still your manager, and so you still have to respect her. I learned that getting a smile from the head of the company makes it a lot easier to work hard for the rest of the day. I learned my boss sounds really funny at 7 am on a Saturday morning when you call him to ask how to fix the stupid computer.

I learned that ice cream needs to look pretty, that "the nasty" makes great worm food, and there are crazy environmentalists who think license plate covers are causing the depletion of the ozone. I discovered that sometime singing and dancing makes the mopping go faster and that if the yogurt machine explodes while you have 20 customers [one of them being Becky], it's okay to run to the walk-in and scream, because it's sound proof. I learned that if you treat someone like royalty, they'll thank you and be your best customer for life. I learned that people in crappy service jobs deserve some slack [occasionally].

I learned that making friends with the coffee people is your best bet for survival, that lemonade is the best wheatgrass chaser, and that ninjas are cool. I learned how to make kick-butt custard, that cleaning mats isn't as awful as they make it sound, and that people [david] have really great stories if you just listen. I learned how to make the veggie display beautiful, the crepes round and not too crispy, and the smoothies actually smooth.

We philosophized about society ala high school kids, scoffed at mall food and poor Bibo substitutes, and ate a lot of ice cream. We created theories about personality types and their smoothie counterparts. We dressed up, talked, laughed, had parties and meetings-that-always-turned-out-to-be-parties, scavenger hunted, and took a lot of crazy pictures.

So many people come to mind from my years with Bibo:
David and Cheri
Millicent
the Garfields
Jenn
Skylarr
Adam
Ire
Lalita
Kate
Kisha
Beth
Jonathan
Alyssa
Evie
Larissa
Chad
the Market People
the Torre gang
the Flower girls
the Cheshire crowd
the Fish Market and Annie
Schmizza
the happy Sunshine guy
customers like: Steve, Becky, Lynn, Rosie, Peter, Pete, Mandy, Rod, Super ATT man, Todd, Greg, the Grant kids, Audrey and Nicholas, and so many others. [i can see their faces, but i can't remember their names.]

Thank you for the good times and the lessons, all.

Portland has truly lost a treasure.

rest in peace, bibo.

i'm missing you...

To truly be missed is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
Especially when you've only been gone two days...

It is a powerful and wonderful thing to place yourself into the hands of the Living God.

I was made aware of this fact when I was abruptly woken from the most beautiful of sleeps by a crash. And the shaking of the large windows above my bed. I could feel the noise. Now, my rational functions are not very coherent early in the morning at the best of times and being in a strange [though vaguely familiar] place did not help. A thousand possibilites [one of them involving terrorists] bounced around in my head, and it took a flash of light to realize what it was that had crashed my slumber party. Not terrorists, Em. Storm. Thunderstorm. Complete with rain, howling wind blowing the palm trees violently, and, what do you know... thunder. Oh. Well, that's alright. I love thunderstorms.

They are, however, meant to be shared and having a king size bed and most of the house to myself was...not unnerving. Just...disappointing. A thunderstorm of such lovely magnitude had not been felt since I was spectator to a tornado-spawning storm in northern Alabama. [now that was the coolest thing ever.]

It was loneliness, not fear that made me bury my head underneath the covers. I wished for my sisters, my suitemates, my girl friends, anyone to share this spectacular display of God's power. But I was alone. So I lay there enjoying the flashes and corresponding sonic waves, said a prayer and felt very greatful for the protection of a strong house and lots of covers, and then fell asleep listening to the hard rain on the roof.

The next time I awoke, I wondered if I had imagined it all. The sun was shining on a nearly spotless sky, the palm trees out my window were swaying gently to the music of the breeze, and I could hear the roar of the excited soccer fans at the nearby school. Only a few stray puddles left on the sidewalk convinced me that it had been real.

Lord, renew me as You use the rain to renew the Earth. Strengthen me as You strengthen the walls of this house. Shape me as You cause the trees to bend with the wind, not break under pressure. And use me like You use the sun to clear away the darkness in the lives of those around me.

please, come home soon.

the secret of life is...

A boarding pass with your name on it.
Heading to San Diego.
In 17 hours.

If only you could get this paper finished...

seeing face to face...

Psalm 16:9,11
therefore my heart is glad,
and my glory rejoices;
my flesh also will rest in hope.
You will show me the path of life;
in Your presence is fullness of joy;
at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 17:15
as for me, i will see Your face in righteousness;
i shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness.

Psalm 27:4
one thing i have desired of the Lord,
that i will seek:
that i may dwell in the house of the Lord
all my life,
to behold the beauty of the Lord,
and to inquire in His temple.

Psalm 36:7-9
how precious is Your lovingkindness O God!
therefore the children of men
put their trust under the shadow of Your wings
they are abundantly satisfied with
the fullness of Your house,
and You give them drink from
the river of Your pleasures.
for with You is the foundation of life;
in Your light we see light.

Karissa Edwards
September 1984-November 2004

awakening in His presence
beholding His beauty
drinking from the river of His pleasures
dwelling in His house
now seeing her Savior face to face

please pray for the Edwards family.

Psalm 30:4
sing praise to the Lord,
you saints of His,
and give thanks at the remembrance
of His holy name.

theatre 200 or psych?

This question has set up residence in the mind of Emelina because of a discussion in Understanding Theatre class. We've been talking about The Misanthrope, by Moliere.

Do you think it is better to pretend to be friends with someone and pretend to care about them when really you're thinking "shut up, i don't care" when you talk to them? Is it better that someone thinks they have friends and that they're interesting, even if they're not? Or is it better to always tell the truth, even if it means hurting people's feelings?

I think I can identify more with Alceste - he thinks that you should always be truthful, even if it hurts someones feelings. It is excrutiating to find out later [which in real life eventually happens] that someone really didn't care when you had thought that they did. I prefer honesty. If you have an issue with me, just tell me. I'll get over it a lot faster than if you pretend like nothing is wrong and then I have to find out later or from someone else. Alceste is a lot more devastated when he finds out Celimene's true feelings than I think he would have been if they had been told at the beginning. [of course, then there would be no drama]

However, like Celimene, I find it extremely difficult to live out this principle - it's hard to tell someone that you don't care. Maybe you don't want to bring it up because you think you're probably wrong, and you're trying to start caring. Or maybe you mildly enjoy playing people. I think for Celimene, it is a combination of both. I can understand her thinking, though. In our sinful obsession for attention from other people, sometimes we'd rather accept the later hurt in order to live a lie for a while.

It's an interesting thing to have Theatre turn into Psychology...

What do you think?

dress for a day week...

In honor of the last few days of class [torture?] before Thanksgiving break, we are celebrating the first annual "dress for a day" week!

Please spread the word, and join in as much as possible, ladies! (gents, you'll have to come up with your own fun...)

horario

monday - athlete
tuesday - around the world
wednesday - secret agent hottie
thursday - preppy
friday - girl next door

In other news, thanks to the Weavers, I had a tremendous, inspiring, and even slightly productive weekend. Much love!

highlights

"where did we leave the car?"
"doesn't she sound like natalie from the dixie chicks?" "um, love, this is the dixie chicks."
"we eat play-doh and play with jello."
"much giggling."
"that would look hot on...not you."
"perfect in every way, but..."
"fajitas."
"um, that will be...20 dollars."
"i've never met a guy who would so readily admit to being lost!"
"my boyfriend is going to buy me that sweater for christmas." "you need to get a boyfriend."
"i'm going to get my boyfriend an ann taylor loft gift card!"
"what if he has...nose hairs?"
"and, if you keep your hand in your pocket, it looks like you're carrying a gun."
"is he cute? is he godly?" "um, mom, shouldn't godly be your first question?"
"will you marry me?" "no, you're too old."
"if you don't buy that, i'll buy it for you."
"God says you can buy those shoes." "thanks, God!"
"we look way too hot."
"it would be really sad for a guy to be rejected by a whole family of girls."
"my dad only makes 4 million a year."
"wow. i just ripped my skirt, didn't i."
"if anyone asks, we're shopping for our...trashy second cousins. or something."
"road rage."
"are all your friends that cute?"
"my nail beds suck."
"you're completely falling apart."
"ouch, my ear!"
"lucky."
"ohmygoodness, we almost killed a possum!"
"um, where did we leave the car?"
"um, next time we rob a bank, let's pick one that your dad doesn't own."

she sings in riddles...

It was that sort of day.

The kind of day you read about in stories. The kind of day on which things happen. Except, surprisingly, it was a perfectly average [and even quite mundane] day. Nothing had changed from the night before. Conditions had not improved, yet her spirits had.

Even though this day promised to be busy and mildly overwhelming, [as usual] she had a spring in her step. [whatever that means] Whatever this strange [and indiscribable] emotion was, it kept appearing as a wry half smile, unable to be supressed for any long period of time. There was no reason on which she could blame this sudden joy; it had simply appeared with the dawn. [which had arrived at least three hours too early for her taste, but shockingly, this too seemed only a slight matter] This feeling of [invincibility?] happiness at ‘just life’ was very unusual. [and fleeting, she knew]For once, however, she chose to enjoy the moment, and not dread the future absence of such blissful optimism.

you're the lucky one
so i've been told
free as the wind
blowing down the road

look at the world with smiling eyes
and laugh at the devil
as the train rolls by

Perhaps it was the weather; the sun was shining like a spotlight on a perfectly tinted deep blue backdrop, and it was surprisingly warm for November. It was the perfect temperature to wear a jacket and a scarf for the sake of fall fashion, and not necessarily for needed warmth. The breeze consistantly blew her dark brown bangs into her eyes. It was typically a mild annoyance, but today…today, it added to the simple pleasure of being alive.

Perhaps it was her choice of apparel; a sensible pair of brown oxfords, old jeans, a comfortable long-sleeved t-shirt [complimentary pink, naturally], a colorful scarf and a fleece jacket. The substitution of glasses for the usual contacts added the perfect touch. Why was such an ordinary outfit so perfectly satisfying?

It was the perfect type of day to be in love, yet surprisingly as perfectly suited for being completely and totally independent. [which she was] Usually such days demand someone with which to share them, but not this day. This day, the fat squirrels enjoying one last gorging before a long rest were more then enough company for her tastes.

She had eaten a dinner of milk and cookies like a true collegian. [but, being from the yuppie nw, it was molasses cookies and soymilk] The lack of access to consistently decent food did not even faze her today. The world was a beautiful place, turning on its axis in complete harmony. [at least in hillsdale]

What made today so special? Perhaps an outside observer could best answer the question that she could not.

It was the perfect day to spend an evening pretending to be a superior intellectual [hottie], studying late into the night at a coffee shop, enjoying Dante, a caramel latte, excellent music and the best of company.

It was Friday.