it's so hard...

You know what's really impossible?

When somebody tells you a secret...And it's the greatest secret ever.

And you can't tell anyone...yet.

On one hand, you're incredibly flattered that you were told the secret, but on the other, you have to tell somebody or you're just going to explode. Seriously.

Or maybe it'll just give you that energy to stay up for another hour and learn those hundred Greek vocab words.

I'm being cryptic, but I'll explain Sunday...er...someday.

gotta love tuesdays...

List of definite reasons:

48 hours until my next Greek class
Definitely got an A on yesterday's quiz
Definitely kicked butt on today's reading quiz and vocab quiz
It's cold, so I'm wearing the favorite green sweater
Definitely did all my sentences right (ha! take that, honors students!)
Definitely stole a bagel and frosted mini wheats from saga
Definitely making some coffee
My hair definitely looks good and I definitely didn't blow dry it
Katie posted pictures and a glimpse of her weekend
I definitely have a cool new nickname
I got a letter from Milicent in England
I'm definently not in love

And the best reason of all...It's definitely raining outside. *sigh* I love the rain so much!

I think I'll take a walk and splash in some puddles.

Want to join me?

a solemn thank you...

I am sheltered.

I have been very removed from the consequences of war.

My grandpa Salholm served in the United States army, and my Grandpa Engler spent many years in the Navy. My dad served this country by fighting wildfires in California during Vietnam. But me, personally? I've never really felt the cost of freedom. I know people currently serving, but they aren't people close to me.

I vaguely remember my Grandpa Engler telling stories about the Navy, but not really enough to remember any details. And they were all humerous stories. He died when I was 9. My Grandpa Salholm never really talked about the Army at all, except that dropping the atomic bomb probably saved his life, because he wasn't sent to fight in the Pacific. I didn't even know that until he died last year.

A man from Hillsdale (pop. 8,000ish) was beheaded by terrorists in Iraq earlier this week. A guy from my old church was killed in a humvee accident last week. Not people that I knew, yet I have this desire to be affected. I don't want to lose someone I love, but I want to be able to relate somehow to those who have.

I live in this my own little world, and some things will never make sense to me. Like, never having seen the Twin Towers, I find it hard to miss them. Living in Oregon, I was very detached from the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster. Iraq is a long way away, and I have no way to compare my cushy life at school to being shot at under the scorching sun. It's not that I don't care, because I do. But part of me can never seem to understand; never can care enough.

I want so much to be able to relate, but I can't. All I can do is offer a very solemn 'thank you' to all the men and women serving all over this world.

I feel so silly and inadequate. What can one post on the blog of one little girl do? Not much, I'm afraid. But, I know that I pray to the soverign, omnipotent, and loving God of the Universe, and that somehow, in His infinite wisdom, He'll take care of you.

Help me to remember those words inscribed in stone at the Korean War Memorial in Washington, DC:

Freedom is Never Free.

love song for no one...

staying home alone on a friday
flat on the floor looking back
on old love
or lack thereof

searching all my days to find you
not sure what i'm looking for
i'll know where
when i see you

until then i'll hide in my bedroom
just staying up all night just to write
a love song
for no one

i'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

Good stuff, John Mayer.

Today's Friday, and even though I have the suite to myself this weekend, I think I'll be okay. I'd better be, because I was the one who decided to stay here while everyone else went different directions. I could have gone to the Weaver's house, which I would have loved, but I think I just need to stay here this weekend and do some serious writing. I need to get to know some of the other girls on my hall, too. There are far too many people at school that I wave to and smile at, yet I haven't yet found the time to have an actual conversation.

I also have a lot of schoolwork to catch up on, complete, and hopefully get a little bit ahead. I'm doing a pretty good job keeping up, but I feel much better if everything is snappy and ahead of schedule.

Yesterday was Kristina's birthday, so, really late at night Esther, Jessica and I kidnapped her and took her out for ice cream. She had a blindfold and didn't know who was in the car or where we were going. It was very entertaining, and I think she had a good time. It's hard being away from your family, but it's especially hard to be away from them on your birthday...

I needed a good excuse not to go to the ball tomorrow night, (i was going to have to go alone if i went anyway...) and Joel invited me to go have a nice dinner someplace with a couple of friends. I need to study a lot of Greek before I can feel comfortable doing that...and write 2 history papers. I'd like to get 3 done, but I'm seriously doubting the realism of that thought.

Anyway, please call me if you get the chance. I'll just be here, waiting by the phone.

caedmon's call...

sometimes i believe all the lies
so i can do the things i should despise
and every day i am swayed
by whatever is on my mind

i hear it all depends on my faith
so i'm feeling precarious
the only problem i have with these mysteries
is they're so mysterious

and like a consumer i've been thinking
if i could just get a bit more
more than my fifteen minutes of faith
then i'd be secure

my faith is like shifting sand
changed by every wave
my faith is like shifting sand
so i stand on grace

a glimpse of your back-side glory
and this soaked alter going ablaze
but you know i've seen so much
i explained it away

my faith is like shifting sand
changed by every wave
my faith is like shifting sand
so i stand on grace

talking things out...

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of whitnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.

*sigh* I don't know how I'm going to focus in Greek class this afternoon...

Pressing on.

casting crowns...

your love is extravagant
your friendship is intimate
i feel i'm moving to the rhythm of your grace
your fragrance is intoxicating
in the secret place
cause your love is extravagant

spread wide in the arms of Christ
there's a love that covers sin
no greater love have i ever known
you considered me a friend
capture my heart again

your love is extravagant
your friendship is intimate

it's not easy...

As Kermit the Frog once said, 'It's not easy being green.'

It's never easy to do the right thing. Doing the right thing when you're unsure of exactly what to do and exactly how to do it is even harder. I am so easily distracted. My focus is frequently inward instead of godward. It is painful to come to that realization that you're off key, and it's even harder to do what it takes to hit the high notes again. But you know that it's what you have to do.

Am I ready to give this up? It's so much easier to put aside things that are 'wrong.' Putting aside something that is 'good,' yet distracting, is ever so much more painful and difficult. And how do other people's feelings fit into all of this?

Pride is a constant struggle. The moment I take my eyes off Jesus, I fall. And I fall hard.

we get distracted by dreams of our own
but nobody's happy while feeling alone
knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
we lean another ladder against the wrong wall
and climb high to the highest rung
to shake fists at the sky
others have excuses
but i have my reasons why

I am a liar. I claim allegience to honesty, yet I am not honest with myself. I insist upon a fondness for humility, yet I find it grossly uncomfortable to be humbled. I scorn flattery, yet I am easily flattered. I pity their empty faces, yet I too wear a mask. I label myself different from all the others, yet I'm really just holding to a higher standard of arrogance. I defensively say I'm a winner, yet I know that when I try to stand alone, I lose. I proclaim contentment, yet I am envious of what is not yet mine. I announce a strength of focus, yet I ignore my lack of vision.

the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it? - jeremiah 17:9 I know how evil I can be, yet God tells me that my own heart is wicked beyond my imagination. If that knowledge doesn't bring you to your knees...

in trying to be different
i ended up the same
ignoring the whole truth
and hating this game

This life is not about me or what I think I want right now. My life and identity are Jesus Christ. 'My life is hid with Christ on high, with Christ my Savior and my God.' This is about the renewing of my spirit, and transformation of my heart.

now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to God our Savior, who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen.

if-----then....

Life seems to be full of if-thens.

When I was younger, it was more basic things like, 'If your room is messy, then you have to clean it up.' Or 'If you hit your sister again, then you get a spanking.' (*winks at Betsy*) Or even the more positive 'If you do your chores and finish your school work, then you can have a friend over to play.'

High school was full of if-thens. 'If x equals 32, then what does y mean?' 'If you go into a debate round with the right evidence, but the wrong attitude, then you'll probably lose.' 'If the gun doesn't go off in Radio, then the hero will have to pull out a knife.' 'If I have to read/perform A Christmas Carol one more time, then I'm going to scream.'

My Internship was one huge if-then. 'If you take enough pictures, then some of them will turn out great.' 'If you get all your work done, then you have time to go sledding.' 'If you can't think of anything else to say, then try singing.' 'If you're willing to be silly in front of the camera, then you can make some great movies.' 'If you work with awesome guys, then you never have to carry your stuff.' 'If you're really stressed out, then sometimes you need to carry your stuff.' 'If you are humble, then God will reward you.' 'If you're willing to learn, then people will be willing to teach you.' 'If you are having a horrible day, then take a walk.' 'If you are taking that walk, then be sure to tell someone where you are going.' 'If you have the worst class stories, then you can laugh about them with your friends (months later.)' 'If you're willing to step out of your comfort zone, then you will grow.' 'If you ask for forgiveness, then you feel much better.' 'If you sing in the right stairway, then it doesn't matter if you don't have a perfect voice.' 'If you don't write down all your funny quotes, then you will forget them.' 'If you're on the best intern team ever, then you'll always have a friend.'

In college, it's still the same. 'If you don't study hard enough, then you probably won't get an A on your Greek quiz tomorrow.' 'If you stay up late on a Friday night, then the world will keep spinning.' 'If you stay up late on a Wednesday night, then you'll be tired in the morning.' 'If Javonne keeps feeding me such good food, then I will have her to blame for the freshman 15.' 'If people send me letters in the mail, then I'm in a better mood.' 'If we keep having late night dance parties in our room (girls only, of course), then maybe I'll be a better dancer.' 'If you don't think about home, then you can't be as homesick.' 'If you laugh hard enough, then the stress goes away.'

If more random people are reading my blog, then I have to be more careful about what I write. If your cell phone has free nights and weekends, then why don't you call me?

If Rachel asks me to update my blog, then I will, even though I have nothing interesting to say.

If I don't go to bed soon, then I will be very tired in the morning.

my replacement...

So apparently, I'm not the only snappy writer in my family...In fact, if this keeps up, I may be replaced!

So what has happened to make me realize that I'm perhaps not such a novelty? I got a letter today from my 12 year old brother. Now, Jonny's a smart boy, but he has yet to go through the years of strenuous training to which I have been subjected. In the area of writing, at least. He has, of course, at least 400 times more training and practice in the area of Legos. And yet, I'm impressed by his writing.

Anyway. I'm posting his letter, because I think it's hilarious, and pretty decent writing for a 12 year old boy. Gosh, my family's so awesome and talented.

Dear Emily
In your letter to me you stated that you and a friend were going to go catch frogs sometime, when only a few weeks ago I cought a frog. He jumped fast but I was faster. I cought the little thing as he jumped off a leaf right into my waiting hands. I brought him up for a closer inspection and he hopped right into my face. With me momentairily distracted he made his escape, but I realizing what had happened was in hot pursuit chasing him over twigs under leaves around pebbles and through the air we zoomed all over but at last I emerged victorius frog in hand. Then dad said to go put the frog back. How was your day?
Jonny

Isn't that the greatest thing ever? I laughed for a long time. Obviously, the kid needs to be taught about commas, but hey, that's a pretty minor problem, all things considered.

Happy day.

leaving on a jet plane...

Just when I think I'm getting over something...*sigh*

It's been quite a weekend. But actually, it's been really good too. Let's see, the chain of events went something like this...

Friday was Bebop night at Galloway! I had forgotten how much I love Spike...(see the mess you've caused, Daws??) We watched the first six (or was it seven? i got kind of confused with the all the 'well, just one more...') episodes, and afterwards had some very interesting conversation. Why does it take two hours of talking to come up with the one sentence that really matters?

Saturday was homecoming, but I didn't really notice. Instead of going to the football game, I pounded out a simply smashing first draft of an essay on The Odyssey. It has much potential, and I'm very proud of it. Maybe English class is good for something after all...since it's fifty minutes of unashamed doodle-writing three days a week. I had coffee ala Bryce in the evening, ('black coffee loves a hand me down brew...') and was strangely hyper because of it. Coffee rarely effects me in such ways...actually, maybe the coffee was just a good excuse to be weird. Anyway, good intentions of studying last night were good intentions...but didn't actually translate into any quality studying. An attempt was made to teach me the basics of music theory, but I resisted as a matter of principle. Why does learning stuff have to be so much work? I mean, I would love to understand music, but I really have no desire to put any effort into it at this point.

I was also told on Saturday that a very dear (and younger than me!) friend has chosen her wedding dress. No official date yet, but there's no denying the inevitable... If that doesn't freak you out a little bit, I'm not sure what will... Actually, I'm pretty happy about it all. And I have a few more months before I have to give her up.

Today I got a phone call from Larissa Taylor, a good friend from home...and she and her husband are going to have a baby in May! Super exciting, of course, but a little weird too...

Maybe everybody else is growing up, and I'm just staying the same. Hmmm...

I just got off the phone with Allison, who is probably one of my oldest friends. It's kinda weird thinking that even if I go home, she won't be there...She's leaving tomorrow morning for a year at school in England and Austria, so I can't end this post without recounting a few of my favorite Mili memories...and there are a lot!

eating chives before choir every week (why was that cool again?)
spraining my ankle while playing mermaids in the sandbox
allie cutting her leg while playing house under my backyard tree
dress up (and not just when we were little. *giggle*)
pretty princess and pass the pigs during piano lessons
endless games of clue
tang
music camps (stage tiptoe!)
bangs
working together at bibo
coffee and wheatgrass
dreaming about broadway, shopping, and cigars
tanning
radio (boxes and boxes of arms! goodnight, sweetheart.)
spice tea and popcorn
crazy movie nights
jackie chan movies
grant kids commentary (loveland and lyons)
the owen wilson obsession
sushi
orlando bloom
ninjas and japanese menu tatoos
playing with her boys this summer
pizzacatto on 23rd
slumber parties

Remember our pact, Mili...you can meet Italians in cafes...you just can't marry them!

stay...

where have you been, my long lost friend
it's good to see you again
come and sit for a while, i've missed your smile
today the past is goodbye

there is a way to make you stay
darling, don't turn away
don't doubt your heart and keep us apart
i'm right where you are
stay

Life is definitely an Alison Krauss song.

I'm not really sad, just contemplative. I have been thinking a lot about life and home and changes. Here's what I came up with...

I get letters and phone calls from you. They make my day. I understand the things that are happening. I love hearing about them. I get a fairly complete picture, but I can't really feel a part of things...it's like I'm behind a two way mirror or in a glass box, watching everything happen, but feeling very...distant. I can react to events, people, stories, but I don't really get to experience or feel them. It's really hard, because I'm such a visual person anyway. Somehow it doesn't seem enough to read your letters or get your phone calls. I want to be there with you. I want to see your real smile and not just a picture on my desk. I want to give you a hug. I want to wink at you from across the room, not from over two thousand miles away.

But that's not an option right now. Somehow, I have to be content with the view from the press box, instead of actually playing the game with you.

there's a restless feeling knocking at my door today
there's a shadow hanging 'round my garden gate
i read between the lines of words you can't disguise
love has gone away, and put these tears in my eyes
every time you say goodbye

today's top ten...

I love tuesday afternoons. Particularly this one. I know that my attitude shouldn't depend on circumstances, but today, the good outweighs the bad, so I'm definitely happy.

This is a detour, but did you know that when you're holding a cute baby, the most random people come over and talk to you? Like, I was expecting girls to coo, but...football players?? Yah. Weird. I guess Maria is that cute. You know the baby Mimi in the comic 'Rose is Rose?' Maria looks exactly like her. I had a fun time babysitting today, and i get to do it every tuesday. We hunted squirrels. Oh, but get this...the kid refuses to eat damaged goldfish crackers. If they're not completely intact, she puts them back! Isn't that great? I was trying to figure out what kind of personality trait that would be...

anyway, i now present the top ten reasons i love this tuesday:

10. my hair looks good. and i didn't blowdry it.

9. i'm wearing my glasses (because i'm lazy.) but i had forgotten how smart and classy they look.

8. it's a beautiful day. slightly humid, but windy, which is great.

7. lunch was actually (surprisingly) edible today.

6. i'm finished with history, theatre, and english homework. (i probably could be working on a history paper, but we'll ignore that for the time being)

5. i got 4 letters in the mail today. one of them was a hilarious card from Daws. (don't let her fool you, folks. she is human, and she does care.)

4. i have the most adorable pic of steph and michael on my desktop. ('love is such a beautiful thing...for other people.')

3. ryan burned me a new mix, and it actually has some good music on it.

2. last night was lovely. i talked to the skunk for a while (gosh, i miss him), and esther and i had a dance party. whoop. *grin*

and the number one reason i love this tuesday afternoon:

it's 45 hours until my next greek class!

feels like today...

Happy sigh.

Good times. Good music. Good conversation. Good weather. Good mood. Good friends.

This has been a good weekend.

I think I'm gonna make it til Christmas, guys. It's not going to be easy; you still need to call me and tell me you miss me, and keep praying for me, but if this weekend is any indication of the next few months...

My attitude really shouldn't depend on circumstances or feelings. God has blessed me abundantly, but so often I tend to ignore it. Remind me that He is good every day.

So, of course, you're asking yourself, 'what made this weekend so awesome, Em?'

Everything. I definitely need to relax and do some fun/slightly irresponsible things more often. Oh, I studied, and I'm studying more today. I have a Greek exam tomorrow that I'm kinda worried about... But I got a really good grade on my English paper on Friday. Yah, and I finally got a better score than my perfectscholarroommate on a theatre quiz. (don't worry, love, I won't make a habit of it...)

But anyway, this weekend was great, because it was normal. I was normal. I hung out with people who liked me because I'm a nerd and easily entertained. And they thought that I was cool. (and that I have good taste in scent. lol.) I wasn't really sure that those people existed outside of my TP/Home circles. But I guess they do, and that makes me smile. I also did random things like talk about everything from God to history to philosophy to music to friendships, go to a big band concert, listen to music, go out late at night and look at the stars, take walks in the Arb, more talking, and a trip to McDonald's at 1:30 this morning. heh.

Whaddya know, I might even like this whole college thing.

'Immortals are never strangers to each other, no matter how distant one may make her home.' - The Odyssey

Not that I'm so conceited as to say we're immortals, but I just wanted you to know that I love you, I miss you, and I hope we're never strangers.

here we go again...

Well, it looks like this blog is going to become a 'when i was younger...' rant. Sorry. Hopefully it won't continue for too much longer. Maybe it's just because I'm sick, and wishing for my mom to say that it's okay for me to lay on the couch all day and drink tea. (Esther's doing a pretty good job of that, though. Thanks, babe.)

When I was younger, I wasn't really afraid of anything (except snakes). I was never one to hide under the covers and bury myself under pillows at the sign of trouble. Yah, I maybe had a few insecurities, like every kid, but as a general rule, I was fearless and matter of fact. I'm usually pretty sensible.

These days, it seems like I'm afraid of everything. Probably because I'm in a very vulnerable place, and gone from the facade of protection that home offers. So why do I suddenly want to just bury my head under the covers instead of facing insecurities? It's not rational, and not who I am.

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still you hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

Why do I try to find comfort and protection in pillows and a down comforter when my Savior, Lover, and King is standing right by my bed?

Give me the unfaltering faith of a child, Lord. I never want to be so 'grown-up' that I lose sight of my goal.

I am Yours.

it occurred to me...

I was looking at the map of the U.S. that hangs over my bed, and something occurred to me. Oregon is a lot bigger than Michigan. In fact, most states on the western half of the country are actually significantly bigger than those on the east. There are only 16 states on the western half.

When I was younger and less traveled, I guess I just thought that all our maps were drawn with some sort of forced perspective. You know, objects closer to you look larger, and all that jazz. Like if you were standing on a giant map, the states closest to you would appear biggest, but they were really all the same size. I'm not exactly sure when I realized that Oregon really is bigger than some other states, and it's not just drawn larger. (I might go so far as to accuse Texans of that misleading stunt, but that'll have to be another post)

There are a lot of childish things you just grow out of. You don't ever consciously stop thinking or doing them. It's only years later that you notice they're gone. What happened to all my little kid quirks and thoughts? Like sucking my fingers when I went to sleep. And thinking my parents never disagreed on anything. And being afraid of worms. And not talking to boys. And playing 'library' with my sisters all the time. And needing my mom to read to us every night.

Here I am, sitting here looking at my map and wishing for my beloved Oregon, and wondering what I'll be doing in 10 years, and what little 'college quirks' I'll have forgotten.

What else will I realize isn't just 'forced perspective,' but actual truth?

a sermon...

I'm sleep deprived and I have a cold. I should be in bed right now, but hear me out. I've got a lot on my mind, and I'm going to try to make some sense of it.

before the throne of God above
i have a strong and perfect plea
a great high preist
who's name is love
who ever lives and pleads for me

Wait. Go back and read those words again, please. And don't just skim them. Actually read them, actually think about them. What does it mean to you that you have a high preist who's name is LOVE and that He is ever pleading for you before the throne of the Almighty King of heaven and earth? If that doesn't effect your speech, your attitudes, your relationships with people, your LIFE, then something isn't clicking.

I'll admit that there are way too many days where it doesn't click for me. I get up and the first thing I do is check my e-mail. Why am I more excited to read a note from you than a personal letter from my CREATOR?

when satan tempts me to despair
and tells me of the guilt within
upward i look and see him there
who made an end to all my sin
because the sinless savior died
my sinful soul is counted free

Hebrews has definintely been the book over the past month or so...espically chapters 11 and 12. From my own readings, a current Bible study (Tuesday nights at Waterman, girls...), and the message preached this morning, God is consistant.

'These all died in faith, not having recieved the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. For those who say such things declare plainly that they seek a homeland.' - hebrews 11:13-14

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but 'strangers and pilgrims' is the phrase written on my door. I have been challenged to declare plainly, through my actions, speech, attitudes, and life that this world is merely an ugly workstation, not my home. I know I frequently do not declare that. Old habits die hard, and new habits take time to form. But hopefully, I'm learning.

Esther and I spent a lovely day with our suitemates, Jessica and Kristina Weaver and their family. They live about an hour and a half from school, so we got up early and went to church. It was amazing. I've never felt so at home at a church that wasn't HOFCC. The music was worshipful and there was actually good expositional teaching of the word of God. (how scary is it that i'm slightly surprised to find that in a church??) There were so many excellent points in the message, but the main thing that really stood out was about the race that is the Christian faith. It's really more like a boat race than a foot race, and you're paddling upstream. When you stop actively pushing forward, you drift back. There is no neutral resting position. Scary, huh?

Also, when you examine specific things in your life: relationships, jobs, goals, etc, don't ask 'is this a good thing or not?' Ask 'does this help me race better?' It changes the perspective. It's not easy, though. There are 'good' things that can slow you down, or keep you from paddling your hardest. I was really challenged to examine my life by those terms.

As for the rest of the day, we ate Mediterranean food, had delightfully deep conversation, and played with some of the cutest little kids (sorry, steph, but they actually rival your siblings!), and got officially adopted as 'honorary big sisters and daughters.' It was really hard to leave, and I missed my family so much.

The ride home was awesome. Like, falling on your face in the presence of God awesome. We talked, prayed, and sang. It's so incredible to understand people on a deeper level, you know? Like when you get past the common likes and dislikes in superficial things, and really share about your relationship with God. It sometimes scares me, because there are people that I've known for a long time, but we still don't have that type of friendship. And it's my fault, because I'm too concerned with my own 'need-to-be-liked'ness to ask tough questions. By God's grace, I'll be asking more of those questions.

I know a ton of ground was covered in this post, and I'm sorry. My head is fuzzy. I love you guys.

behold him there the risen lamb
my perfect, spotless righteousness
the great unchangable i am
the king of glory and of grace
one with himself i cannot die
my soul is purchased by his blood
my life is hid with christ on high
with christ my savior and my god

endings...

Movies used to be different. (no, really, Em??)
Particularly the endings.

In the ends of today's movies, people are happy because they get what they want. Of course, not all modern movies are like that, but the vast majority of mainstream commercial flicks end with people happy, in love with the 'right' person, etc. And even if the ending is bittersweet, the emphasis is on the sweet.

In the end of an old movie, the characters didn't necessarily get exactly what they wanted. People were happy at the end because they did the right thing. Most endings are bittersweet.

Like in Roman Holiday, when Audrey Hepburn says, 'If I were not completely aware of my duty, I would not have come back tonight.' If that movie were made today, she would have run into Gregory Peck's arms at the end of the press conference. But she doesn't. She leaves, and he walks out alone. The End. Bittersweet with the emphasis on the bitter. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't what they wanted, but it was the right thing.

I saw Casablanca last night with some friends. I've seen bits and pieces, and the whole thing a long time ago, so I had a great time analyzing it from a new perspective. It too has a very bittersweet ending. But a good ending. The only right ending.

The 'love trumps responsibility' thing really annoys me too. Like in Spiderman 2, it's perfectly acceptable and 'the right thing' for MJ to send her fiancee a note at the alter and run off to Peter because she's really in love with him. And there's better fireworks when she kisses Spiderman than her fiancee. WRONG. If love is really like that, I never want it.

I know that some of my movies will have happy endings, because I'm a romantic fool, and I enjoy it some of the time. But I hope that I never sacrifice the principles of truth and responsibility for a modern hollywood ending. If I ever do that, you can personally come tell me I'm a failure.

While I'm sure I'll make some great family films, I also want to tackle some serious, not for the kids subjects. And everybody is not going to get what they want at the end, but hopefully they'll do the right thing. I'm never going to win an Oscar. The critics will hate it and call it 'preachy.' It's not going to blow away the box office.

But I hope a few of you will see it anyway.

autonomy...

That's definitely the word I would use to describe this stage in my life. It's a freedom that I could get used to, which is good, because I'll have it for pretty much the rest of my life. I get to choose what I do every evening, who I hang out with, and whether or not Saga food is edible. (it's usually not. it's not horrible, for a cafeteria, but it's rarely appetizing.)

Of course, self-government is not no-government. I have plenty of responsibilities, and things that I know that I should be doing. I guess I've always had the ability to choose whether or not I actually do what's right, but it just seems really different now. I don't think the freedom is making me go crazy. I'm glad my parents raised me in a supervised, but not controlled environment. I've had plenty of freedom to make my own choices and mistakes, and to really be able to say I am the way that I am because of my own beliefs. I want to raise my kids that way.

I really miss home, but I'm making better connections with people here. It still feels like a camp, and I'm not sure if that will ever wear off.

I can't imagine a better roommate than Esther, and we have been dubbed 'the tidyist room in mac' by our housekeepers. We work really hard, but have a few moments of craziness. We both have some very interesting ways of relieving stress. Like last night, we were both working on papers, and all of a sudden, she starts reading random dictionary words. Like, scientific formulas and aincent Iranian people groups. It was hysterical! We also are entertaining ourselves by coming up with creative answering maching messages, and strange greetings for when our phone actually rings. I've had people shocked when we just answer the phone with a normal greeting. If you ever are in the mood for making prank calls, leaving creative messages with strange accents, or just want to talk, please call (517) 439-7366.

Today I'm in class til 3, and then working til 5:15 or so. But I think it's going to be a beautiful day, so maybe I'll skip lunch and take a walk in the Arb. I did all my reading on a bench by the pond yesterday, and it was simply lovely. I might watch a movie tonight, or if I still have this headache, go to bed early. Is that pitiful?

Three day weekend, though. Whoop.